17 March 2008

60 Days

So we've hit the two month mark. God has been doing a real work on my heart recently.

Sadly, I've felt recently my self-consciousness becoming worse as I look forward to marriage. Born with a weird birth defect that causes me to walk with a limp and other quirky things, my differences never really bothered me and I usually tried to view them as an opportunity to give God glory for enabling me to do things the doctors didn't think were possible. I must admit that deep down, though I always had a desire to be married, I never really thought any guy would want me as physically broken as I am. Then James came into my life. Sweet James who knows everything about me. Stuff only my parents and sister and doctors know - not even my closest best friends really know what all goes on inside my body. Yet James loves me anyway and actually wants to marry me. One would think that such love would be freeing and I would be filled with confidence. Yet I've been surprised that I have suddenly become even more self-conscious. I know all women are self-conscious on their wedding night and such ... but I'm just scared. I guess I have this irrational fear of disappointing him. I say irrational because God tells us that "perfect love drives out all fear" (I John 4:18). While I know James and I's love is not perfect by any stretch of the means ... the fact remains that his love for me and my love for him should not cause fear in each other, but be at ease with one another not fearful of rejection or punishment, etc...

This I need to meditate on more and pray about more.

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